Right Name. Wrong Number.

There is a man in Baltimore City with the same name as mine and he has a lot of angry women looking for him. Since 1998, I’ve been getting phone calls from really pissed off women looking for this guy, but getting me instead. Way back before I had caller ID and became a dedicated recluse, I actually used to answer the phone. Most of the time it was my loan shark Sallie Mae, the stalker bitch who can’t find a way to quit me. (We’ll be dating until 2025, according to my payment schedule.) The other calls were usually from the women looking for the male version of me. The conversations usually went something like this:

Me: “Hello?”

Angry Female: “Who dis?”

Me: “You called me. Who’s this?”

Angry Female: “Who tha fuck is this? Where A– at?”

Me: “This is A–. You called me. Who the fuck are you?”

Angry Female: “Aw hell no. Where tha fuck is A–. Put A– on tha fuckin’ phone.”

Me: “I am on the fucking phone. I think you have the wrong fucking number.”

Angry Female: *click*

During one year in particular, I got a number of collect calls from the Maryland Correctional Institution for Women in Jessup. Whenever I’d see the D.O.C. pop up on my caller ID, I just had to answer out of curiosity because I was occasionally interested in what some of my ex-girlfriends were up to.

Me: Hello?

Automated Verizon Lady: “Hello. You have a collect call from: WhereTheFuckIsA–At?PutHimOnThaPhone. To accept the charges, press 1. Otherwise, please hang up.”

Me: *click*

I’ve gotten a recent spike in calls from aggressive bill collectors and a couple of really irritated women - all of them looking for a guy in Baltimore City with my name. Last night I had two semi-frantic messages left minutes apart by the same woman looking for the male version of me (I think). She didn’t say what she was calling about, but she strongly suggested that I call her back before midnight. I had to scroll through the mental lists of women I’ve dated just to make sure the calls really weren’t for me. Nope. I definitely did not know anyone by that name, although her messages had the Glenn “I’m not going to be ignored” Close à la Fatal Attraction tone to them that was all too reminiscent of the ghosts of girlfriends past.

I stopped answering my home phone some years ago and I’m not even sure why I still have one. I guess I still look forward to what kinds of messages will be waiting for the guy version of me when I get home.

Delay of Game

Today was the day I was supposed to be in court. The prosecutor called me on Tuesday and said I didn’t have to come in and sit around all day, but I had to be able to get to court in 45 minutes or less if they needed my testimony today. I just got a call from the prosecutor and, what a surprise, the case has been postponed until late January.

The first thing I wanted to know is if the defendant will remain locked up in the meantime and he said, “Yes. Definitely. You don’t have to worry about that.” The prosecutor also indicated that he’s going to try to get me removed from the case since I don’t have any real information to offer. He said, “There’s no reason you need to come in here, show your face to the defendant, and then have us not need you. I’d really rather keep you as anonymous as possible.” Thanks for that. Then he encouraged me to keep calling 911 whenever stuff happens. Sure. I told him I’ve developed carpal tunnel syndrome from calling 911 so much and that I’m about ten or fifteen 911 calls away from collecting disability. At least he got my joke. I hope I don’t get summoned for fraud.

I do have to say that my experience so far with the prosecutor, and the people in his office, has been a positive one. I’ve voiced my concerns clearly and I do feel like they’ve been heard. All of my messages have been given to him and all of my calls have been returned quickly. Perhaps it’s because of my soothing Lite FM Adult Contemporary Radio voice I use when I call that actually gets me polite service and zero attitude. Who knows.

So I won’t know until late January, which is right around my birthday, if I’m needed for this attempted murder trial. I’m hoping to get a notice from the circuit court that says:

Happy Birthday!! Wishes really do come true because you’re not needed!!

Hope you don’t hesitate to call 911 in the future!!

K.I.T.

xoxo,
Baltimore City Circuit Court

Mystery of the Day

What is this and what happened?

=====
Any guesses?
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UPDATE: Baltimore, I Think It’s Last Call…

I actually got a return call late this afternoon from one of the prosecutors and was able to get some information about the summons I received yesterday.* I was relieved to find out that the defendant has been in jail since his arrest in June and isn’t going anywhere before the trial. I also learned that I was summoned because of the anonymous 911 call I made from my house that night. I know that no one is really anonymous when making a 911 call, but I had no idea a person could be summoned for calling. It’s no wonder people around here are so reluctant to call 911 when bullets start flying. Who wants to get involved with anything anything like this, especially when the defendant lives a block away?

*I do want to say that, in spite of all the transferred calls to different departments and different people, everyone I spoke with at the circuit court was very helpful. I can just imagine the kinds of crazy calls they get every day and I give them credit for still being able to be pleasant when someone like me calls with a hundred questions in a slightly panicked tone.

Baltimore, I Think It’s Last Call…

Because the Ugly Lights have just come on.

In today’s mail I got what I thought was another jury duty notice. You can imagine my surprise when I read that I have been summoned to appear as a witness for the state in a jury trial for a man I’ve never even heard of. I thought it was strange because I haven’t given any witness statement to the police about anything. All I’ve done is call 911 more times than I can count. You can then maybe imagine (or not) how sick I felt when I entered the case number for this trial and saw that the defendant in the trial for which I’ve been summoned has been charged with the following:

Charge No: 1 ATT 1ST DEG. MURDER
Charge No: 2 ATT 2ND DEG MURDER
Charge No: 3 ASSAULT-FIRST DEGREE
Charge No: 4 ASSAULT-SEC DEGREE
Charge No: 5 HANDGUN: USE IN COMMITTING CRIME
Charge No: 6 HANDGUN ON PERSON: CARRY/WEAR
Charge No: 7 RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT
Charge No: 8 HANDGUN ON PERSON: CARRY/WEAR
Charge No: 9 POSS OF FIREARM/AMMO/MINOR
Charge No: 10 SHOOT DISCHARGE UNK CALB HG

No More Eviction Sales

Thanks to a new law, I guess we won’t be seeing much more of this:

Who am I kidding? Everyone loves a good old-fashioned eviction sale.

Like Zagat’s, Except Different

Warning: I wouldn’t open the first link if you’re at work.

I spotted this link over on a fellow Pigtowner’s site. With all the other crap that gets posted on the internet, I don’t know why a Baltimore Streetwalker Report forum surprised me. I suppose it’s a comfort that my mind just doesn’t wander in some directions.

Not exactly a news flash for anyone living on or near Washington Blvd in Pigtown, but Pigtown is clearly the place for finding just the right prostitute to suit your needs. This Baltimore streetwalker report is so timely and informative. I really appreciate the abbreviations section too! It’s such a treat seeing the names streets and intersections so close to my house because I always wondered what it was like to be popular. It’s an even bigger treat recognizing the descriptions of some of the girls. Thanks to this forum, I no longer have to wonder about the quality or types of services they offer as they are screeching on the street in front of my house at 4 a.m.

I hope a description of my services makes it on this forum some day under a new thread that says something like:

Pistol-Whipped in Pigtown
Approached what I thought was a WSW (white streetwalker) taking out her trash. Pulled up and asked her for a date. She leaned in my window and then pistol-whipped me with a large caliber revolver. Result was many broken teeth. I don’t think she was LE (law enforcement), but I also didn’t ask. Avoid Pigtown unless you have a good dental plan.

Urban Terrarium

I had all but forgotten about my urban terrarium experience until I read about Summer’s. Way back when I live in Butchers Hill, some dirty hippie parked a Subaru Outback in front of my house and left it there almost two weeks. Every time I walked out the front door, I had to see the Vermont tags, along with the bumper sticker politics and “Love Your Mother” environmental stickers staring at me. Whatever. Ride a fucking bike instead, you hypocrite. The really ironic thing is that this enviro-wagon was filled with all kinds of Taco Bell, Burger King, and Royal Farms trash. There were wrappers and cups and food remnants all over the inside of this car. I wonder what Al “I commute via private jet to promote my environmental books and documentary but my jet fuel consumption doesn’t count because I am a Democrat” Gore would have to say about the inconvenient truth inside of this Subaru, whose contents closely resembled the mountains of Staten Island.

Anyway.

Reminder: Tomorrow is Neighbors’ Night Out

I do not know Zach Sowers, but what happened to him could have happened to my own brother or anyone I know. If you aren’t familiar with Zach’s story, you can read about it in this article from today’s Sun paper and also read about his hospitalization here.

Tomorrow is Neighbor’s Night Out and there are so many local bars and restaurants participating that there’s really no excuse for not visiting one and having a beer and a burger. Lady Friend and I will definitely be stopping by one or two bars. How about you?

Slept Through It Again

…only because LF was at my house last night.

3600 E. Lombard is within one block of her house.