A Way With Children and Animals

My neighbor, Mr. Brown, has quite a way with words and hurling insults – especially when they are directed at children and pets. This is why he is one of my favorite people in the world. Recently, Mr. Brown has been on fire with his heckling of small children as they ride their bikes up and down the block. The little kids love it though. They go out of their way to get Mr. Brown’s attention because if Mr. Brown insults you it means he likes you.

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A little nine year-old girl was riding her pink BMX bike down the street and, before she even got to Mr. Brown’s house, he was up and out of his plastic chair yelling at her.

“Get on outta here!! This ain’t your block!! You don’t live here!!”

“Shut up, Mr. Brown!! You a bald-headed old man.”

“WHAT?? You need to take yo’self back up to that Korean store where you got that wig at and get your money back.”

“You a crazy old man!! At least I got hair.”

“You’re a bum. Get offa my block an’ go back down to Carroll Street where all the rest of them bums live at!”

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Another afternoon, a neighbor’s two year-old granddaughter was having a temper tantrum on the sidewalk in front of my house. Mr. Brown burst out of his chair, walked up to the little girl, and bent down so that he was eye-level with her. He held his hand up between their faces and said, “You better stop that cryin’ because you see this? This here is the hand of justice. You want me to bring you some justice?” The little girl started laughing right in Mr. Brown’s face. He stood up, spun around, and said “Goddamn” as he walked back to his stoop. Everyone knows he’s completely full of shit – even toddlers.

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The creepy crack ice cream truck was slowly coming down the block blasting “Pop Goes the Weasel” out of a broken speaker. A small gang of little girls, who live on our street, went charging on tiny pink bikes towards the truck trying to get the crack ice cream man to stop. Mr. Brown hollered at one of the girls to get her attention.

“Hey! Come here little girl. I wanna ax you somethin’. If I give you a five dolla bill to get me a one dolla ice cream offa that truck, how much change you gonna bring me?”

“None.”

“What?! Girl, you better sign up for summer school and check yo math.”

It should be noted that Mr. Brown gave her the five dollar bill anyway and told her to share it with her friends.

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My neighbor, the one who died last month, used to walk Mr. Brown’s dog every day because his arthritis is so bad now that some days he can’t get down his own stairs. This is why he often holds court from his bedroom window. Lady Friend has taken over the routine of walking Mr. Brown’s dog and whenever she knocks on the door to take her for a walk, he shouts the same thing: “What? You wanna take that hussy out again? That dog a floozy! Goddamn!”

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One morning I was walking to my car and a neighbor’s cat was trotting proudly down the middle of the street with a live starling in his mouth.  Mr. Brown leaned out of his bedroom window and screamed down at me.

“You see that, Baby Girl? That cat’s a goddamn bum. He lie under them steps all day just waiting for them birds to hop by. He’s a bird killer and a no good bum. He don’t do shit about all them goddamn rats in the alley, but he up in here killin’ up all these bird that ain’t doin’ shit but hopping around! That cat is a BUM – just like his father.”

The cat’s father is actually the old guy who owns the cat. He’s a neighbor Mr. Brown has been bickering with on a daily basis since the 1950s.

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Last Thursday evening, a young guy carrying a six month-old baby boy walked up to Mr. Brown and the rest of the fellas. The baby was in a striped onesie and that was all the inspiration Mr. Brown needed.

“Why you dressin’ that baby like a convict?”

“Damn, Brown. Why you wanna pick on a baby?”

“Why you dressin’ him in a prison uniform? You gettin’ him ready?”

And with that, Mr. Brown looked at the baby and said, “You need to get back up on your chain gang and get to work!”

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I can only hope that some day I have Mr. Brown touch.