The Stare

Some of you may not know this about me, but I have a superhero power – The Stare.

I suppose I’ve always known I had The Stare, but I never knew how to harness its power until I got older. Living in a place like Baltimore for so many years has helped me focus my superhero power into something I never dreamed could be so potent. Some friends and family members are familiar with The Stare and I’m told it is a little scary.

Now that the warm weather is here, people are out and about on the streets which means The Stare comes out of hibernation. Each winter, I’m always afraid I’ll lose my edge in the staring department but now I’ve come to understand that The Stare just gets stronger. What makes The Stare so powerful is the silence that goes with it. I don’t say a word to anyone on the receiving end of The Stare and this makes them extremely uncomfortable.

The Stare is reserved for people doing things they shouldn’t be doing. Some of these things include, but are not limited to, the following: public urination/defecation in the alley behind my house, dealing drugs, buying drugs, cooking drugs, smoking/snorting/injecting drugs in the vicinity of my house, selling/buying ass in the vicinity of my house, and soliciting me for prostitution in front of my house (or anywhere else, for that matter).

In the last week, I’ve really let loose with The Stare, mainly because I’ve had so much inspiration. I noticed a guy drop his pants and start urinating on the wall of the church behind my house. I went out to the backyard and walked up to my fence and stared at the guy. He didn’t even notice me watching him hold his tiny dick in his hands as he relieved himself. When he zipped up and turned around, he was met with The Stare. He was startled and stood still waiting for me to say something or yell something, but I didn’t. I just stood there barely blinking. He took off running.

Looking out of my kitchen window a couple of days later, I saw a White trash couple duck into the Church of the Urine-Soaked Yard and pull out a crack pipe. I let them get their high on for a few seconds and then I went out to the backyard and walked up to the fence and stared. When they noticed me, they both shot straight up in the air and pretended like they were looking for something. Perhaps the church service schedule? When I kept staring without moving or saying anything, the guy said, “Good morning, ma’am. How you doin’ today?” I said nothing. He kind of paced for a couple of seconds and then asked me if I knew what time it was. I said nothing. He asked me a second time and I said nothing. His crack lady friend took off toward the street and then he quickly followed mumbling something about “how goddamn rude people are around here.”

Early Sunday morning I sat on my stoop with a cup of coffee, hoping to enjoy the quiet. I love the city really early in the morning because it feels like I’m the only person in it. So there I was drinking my coffee and reading “Choosing a Content Management System for DITA” when I heard the all too familiar creep of a slow-moving pickup truck. I knew what was coming down the block because no one comes down the block this early unless it’s for one thing – rental ass. The john creeps closer in his work truck and I refuse to look up at him until he comes to a stop right in front of me…I want him as close as possible to The Stare. Apparently my full set of teeth and my lack of crusty abscesses up and down my arms and legs were not strong enough visual “I’m not a hooker” cues for this guy. I was still looking down at my magazine and then I casually removed my sunglasses, looked up, and let him have it with the most powerful stare I’ve conjured up this season. The john completely spun out his tires driving away from me. He almost got into an accident at the intersection because he didn’t see the stop sign. It was amazing! I feel pretty confident in saying I don’t think he’ll be coming back again.

I worked from home today and it seemed like it was going to be a pretty uneventful day, considering how nice the weather was. My dog was in the yard getting some sun while I sat in my office upstairs. All of the sudden, my dog and the other dogs on the alley started barking like crazy. I was trying to look out of the window in to see what they were barking at and I didn’t see anything at first. The barking continued and I looked again and saw a Dept. of Public Works employee standing in the back yard of the abandoned house a couple of door down. I didn’t think much of it until I heard the familiar caterwaul of one of our friendly pieces of neighborhood rental ass. She was trying to coax this DPW employee to join her under the dilapidated porch, which also doubles as a port-a-john.

So once again, I got up and went out to the backyard and gave the DPW employee The Stare. He immediately took off toward the street while the rental ass yelled, “Where the fuck you goin’ at?? Where you going at??” She came out from under the porch, caught The Stare, and mumled incohenrently as she chased after the DPW employee. I ran inside my house to the front and the DPW guy was already speeding down the street in a Baltimore City Dept. of Public Works vehicle, with his lunch time rental ass riding shotgun. These are your tax dollars at work, people.

I like giving back to the community, so The Stare is available if you need it. I’ll gladly sit on your stoop or lurk in your back yard or alley and let your unsavory neighborhood characters have it. The Stare works very well in certain parts of the city where herds of teeny tiny little ankle-biting cologne-soaked “guest workers” like to sexually harrass women walking to or from their front doors. I got lots of practice while living on the east side, trust me. The Stare is also available for parties – especially little kid parties. I’ve yet to use The Stare at Chuck E. Cheese, but I think it would be fun.