One of my very good, very kind neighbors committed suicide. We (the residents of this block) just learned of this about five hours ago, as we watched the medical examiner remove the body from the house. I’m not able to process any of this right now. It’s shocking and it’s devastating for all of us here and I need to pause for bit. Once I gather my thoughts about things and about my neighbor, I’d like to share some of them here. I’ll be back sometime soon.
So the fourth attempt at having this trial finally stuck and once again the ADA let me stay out of the courtroom and sit at home on standby. It was a nerve-racking few days waiting and wondering if I’d get the call to come in and say, “Yes, I made that 911 call…anonymously.” Fortunately, I never got the call to come in because the ADA said he wanted to keep the case “as tight as possible by having only eyewitnesses come in to testify.” After three days of jury deliberation, let’s take a look at how things worked out:
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Today I had the experience that every woman looks forward to each year - the annual visit to the crotchologist. Who doesn’t love the awkward questions about your crotch’s history, the extended dance remix breast exam, and getting pried like open a clam at a raw bar for the always-fun cervical scraping? Oh, and all under the soothing glare of stadium lighting focused solely your no-no places. Fortunately, my visit to the crotchologist was uneventful, as usual, and for all the right reasons. I’m sure you’re all thrilled that I’ve shared this information with you. You can sleep better now. I have to admit that living so close to Washington Blvd had me worried that I’d caught something by proxy though.
While driving to my appointment today, I started thinking about crotches and STDs and all the things that can go wrong without even experiencing any symptoms. My stream of consciousness thoughts about cooter cooties were momentarily interrupted so I could roll down my window to holla at my favorite Washington Blvd hooker as I drove by. I’ll get back to the STD thing, but I have to digress for a moment…
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J$: favorite local food? and favorite pie? 
I am a very simple girl when it comes to food. I’ll actually eat the same thing every day and not really think much about it. If I actually leave the house for food, J.Patrick’s makes the best BLTs ever and any variety of pizza I’ve gotten from Zella’s is mouthgasmic. As for pie? It’s a tie between apple pie and key lime pie. Don’t make me make Sophie’s Choice.
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Lady Friend: Why haven’t you taken out the garbage and emptied out the litter boxes like you said you were going to?
Excellent question. Next?
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Rohith: So, are you a closet democrat?
Once upon a time, I used to be a closeted Republican. I am registered as a Republican, but I have never been a straight-down-the-party-line voter. I guess this makes me kind of a bisexual voter. I have voted Democrat in some elections. Some of my good friends are Democrats. I’ve even dated Democrats before.
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marys second: I cut off my pinkie toe and sent it to you as proof of my love. Why won’t you return my calls? When work sucks and you daydream of a different life, which simply has to be better, what job do you have? And, can I have my toe back since you obviously didn’t appreciate it? I broke a knick knack and need to fill the empty spot on the shelf.
Umm, I have yet to receive any pinkie toe and that’s cause for concern. Did you overnight it? Did you at least get delivery confirmation? When I’m daydreaming about another job, I’m sometimes a woman of leisure/professional philanthropist…other times I’m a tug boat captain (seriously)…sometimes I’m a monk living the contemplative life in west Ireland. As for your toe? If it ever gets here, I’ll send it back immediately. Then again…if it’s rotten enough, I may use it for bait when I go crabbing.
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Bikebreath: Hip Hop and Gang Culture are popular. Rich people go around dressed like bums. The rate of people seeking to model themselves from moral and upstanding members of society is way down.
It is now, that every minorities whim is accepted. A plane full of people can’t get peanuts because 1% of children in the US and Britain are allergic*. What happened to adapting to the majority and if you can’t find another way? (That’s not my question to you…hold on, please).
Gays are attacking a culture that once had religious morals that governed the society. Now that “old” culture is in ebb, rather it is made fun of, while “doing what feels good” takes priority. This can only result in an instable society, yet it’s as if a person is wrong to try and live by the old cultural ways.
I have two questions:
First I think it is fair to let others know I have hoped to qualify my questions with a personal email to you to assure you this is not an attack on you.
1) As a Lesbian and a Conservative how do you dance on this fence of conflict with proposals of the Gay community demanding a share of society that they claim to want in on, while it’s real agenda, I believe, is to push out the old morals and standards that keep the structure sound? 2) What is the password to you bank account?
Here we go:
1) (Disclaimer - I am using the word “gay” to refer to all GLBT people). I don’t believe there is a gay agenda because having a gay agenda would mean all gay people are in agreement regarding religion, politics, class, education, green house gas emissions, etc. If there is a gay agenda, I’ve never seen it. I’ve mentioned in others posts that I think a big problem with the gay community is that we don’t really make a lot of room for diversity within our own community, as much as we think we do by having one parade once a year. It’s a “With Us” or “Against Us” attitude. The divisiveness between gay men and women alone speaks volumes about the true lack of diversity in the community.
We (The Gays) are a very snobby, elitist group and we’ve spent a lot of time mocking str8 conventions like marriage, religion, etc. and snickering at the less fortunate str8 people who just don’t understand how smart and special we are. How in the hell is society supposed to take us seriously when we are falling over each other to point out how special we are within our specialness. “Well, you may be a lesbian Democrat, but I am a Jewish gold star lesbian vegan Democrat.” I think what many of my gay brothers and sisters don’t want to acknowledge is that the joke is on us. People are snickering behind our backs over our special way of telling everyone how special we are and how we compete for specialness within our specialness. Why should we expect society to accept us when we don’t even accept each other? If you’re gay, try mentioning the words “conservative” or “Catholic” in reference to yourself and see how quickly other gay people ask you if you’re sure you’re not just experimenting or perhaps just bisexual.
I think what’s happening is that so many of us (The Gays) are getting older. The party is over. We either bored with hooking up or we’ve hooked up with everyone and there are no new people left. Some of us are gaining weight while others are losing hair or both. Some of us are acquiring even more cats (if that’s possible) and making donations to non-profits. Others actually have something to lose now like their health, homes, and 401(k)s. Now we demand the convention we mocked. What we won’t admit is that we still mock it and are suspect of anyone mentioning things like “God” or “Faith” or “Guns” or “Southern” because those people just haven’t evolved.
It’s interesting because quite a number of my gay friends, who very much enjoyed whoring around and shoving everything up their noses back in the 1990’s, are the ones making the most noise about wanting gay marriage and needing to get out from under the oppressive Bush Regime. I still love them just the same, but I really wonder where all this gay marriage panic was during eight years of Clinton and Gore. Maybe it was out on the golf courses helping O.J. look for the real killer.
What we’ve got here is lots of rainbow-colored moral relativism coming out of the closet.
2) What bank account? All of my money is in my mattress. I don’t trust the gummint with my hard-earned dollars.
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ACW: 1) Could you give us the background on the name Anger Hangover? 2) You’re in Hell and you have to choose between eternity with Hillary supporters or eternity with rats. Which do you choose?
1) Thank you for asking, ACW. I’d be happy to answer that. There really is no mystery or story behind the name Anger Hangover. An anger hangover, for me, is the feeling that’s left on the other side of just being worn the fuck out by everyone and everything all at once. Truth be told, I’m just a big fan of assonance.
2) This question is tricky because I feel like you are basically asking me if I’d rather have syphilis or gonorrhea for all eternity. First of all, if I’m in Hell I’ll be there with all of The Gays, so it would be like a never-ending Gay Pride block party. This scenario would be fine for all eternity as long as they never turn on the ugly lights and as long as they serve something other than Miller Lite on draft. Then again, if I’m trapped in Hell with Hillary supporters, it would be somewhat like a Gay Pride walk-of-shame event because I’d likely run into some ex-girlfriends and their new girlfriends who are there with their ex-girlfriends who are on their way to Hell’s Farmers Market. Rats are extremely vile, but I do have a strange appreciation for their ability to thrive on society’s excrement. I may regret saying this, but I think I’ll have to choose rats because I’m pretty sure they won’t be whining about universal health care and gun control.
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Brad Wesley: If I owned a bar, and I wanted to clean it up, how much would it cost to get you to come work for me?
$5000.00 up front, $500.00 a night cash. You pay all medical expenses.
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Mike T: Found your blog a while back, your posts about the rats had me in stitches. I like reading blogs from folks back home. Hope this doesn’t come off sounding creepy but… What is your safeword?
My safeword is “HillaryCare”.
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DMV: Okay so, we’ve known each other for many, many years and I have been dying to know the answers to these questions for all this time:
1) If you could be any character in any movie what would that character be, what movie would it be and why.
2) What does it take to get you and LF to come down for a visit?!?!
3) I know you’re a plain Jane when it comes to food; however, if you and LF ever do come down for a visit, I want to make sure I prepare only the best. So, what is your favorite Italian dish? (besides me of course…)
1) Great question! I don’t think anyone has every asked me this. Well, there definitely isn’t just one character because it would be too hard trying to pick only one. If I had to pick a bad guy, I’d have to go with Darth Vader because he’s just the ultimate bad ass. On the good guy side, I’d think it would be awesome to be Cate Blanchett’s Elizabeth because of her grace, charm, and brilliance. Oh, and also because of the costumes! It’s a given that I’d want to be any character (male or female) who gets to make out with Penelope Cruz or Salma Hayek - preferably with both of them at the same time.
2) You guys have to show us your t*ts!! I’ll show you mine: ( * )( * )
3) I did not know there was any other Italian dish other than you! Hmmm. I do love me some pasta puttanesca.
Today’s post, which is inspired by ACW, is a very special post because I’m leaving it up to you, my 2.5 readers out there, to ask me any questions you want. I don’t think I’ve done this before and, depending on how this goes, I don’t know if I’ll do it again. If your question doesn’t get answered, it’s probably because you asked me something like, “What’s your date of birth, SSN, and mother’s maiden name?” So go ahead. Ax away. Don’t be shy.
