Gimme Something to B’lieve In
It’s been a busy couple of weeks and I’ve had my ass handed to me on many levels, but I won’t bore you with the navel-gazing details here. I simply have not had the mental energy to put up my usual mediocre/C- posts, so I’d like to apologize to my 2.5 readers out there for being such a slacker.
The truth is, I think I’m slipping into a bit of a depression because Rock of Love 2 is officially over. Sunday night, a week ago, I was prostrate on the living room floor and completely inconsolable after Bret picked his rock of love. I was hoping he wouldn’t find love because that would mean the season would never end! When I realized there wouldn’t be a new episode of Rock of Love 2, I started sweating like Ambre during final elimination in Mexico.
During the reunion Rock of Love 2 show last night, I had a flash of inspiration. I think they should have a Rock of Love 3 and I think they should call it Rock of Love3(some). I’d like to see chicks with big hair compete to be Bret and Ambre’s girlfriend. It would be an interesting twist that I don’t think I’ve seen on any basic cable reality shows. Then again, I could be wrong about that since I just got cable a couple of years. I’ve missed out on a lot of reality TV, but I’m more than making up for it lately.
Anyway…back to threesomes…
The thing about threesomes is someone’s usually left holding the lube. And if you’re not the one left holding the lube, there always that nagging feeling like maybe you’re being secretly critiqued on your floor exercises by the Romanian judge. Perhaps worse than being secretly judged is being micromanaged by the lube holder. Nag nag nag nag nag. If you were all that, you wouldn’t be on the sidelines. Critics are just frustrated artists.
Odd numbers are always a bit tricky in group sex situations. With even numbers, people can pair up then switch up and no one feels left out. With that third person or fifth person, etc., someone inevitably feels like that red-headed* kid picked last for kickball, except with the added insult of having your bits and junk flapping in the wind. Of course, I’ve gathered all of this from friends who have friends who know people who’ve had friends who’ve been in group sex situations in various denominations. I wouldn’t know anything about this kind of naked mathematical craziness. Recently.
So yeah…Rock of Love 2 is over and I’m feeling empty. I’m trying to fill the void with Miss Rap Supreme and Viva Hollywood, but it’s just not the same. I feel like a fraud. I feel like the person left holding the lube.
*I have much love for the burning bushes and fire crotches out there, so relax.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008 at 9: 18 am
You know, we’ve been watching Nuestra Belleza Latina on Univision lately, and that has to be at least as much of a trainwreck as Rock of Love 2. I think it comes on Wednesday nights around 9 or 10. It doesn’t matter that you don’t speak spanish. The entire show is a giant spanish television stereotype.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008 at 11: 24 am
I heart Rock of Love 2 and miss it so much. I just about wept laughing after Destiney got the show’s logo tattooed on her neck and then got the old boot. God that brought a lot of joy to my heart. It really did.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008 at 11: 58 am
Thruples? Twice the sex but six times the lesbian drama. It’s way too hard to figure out who’s top or bottom.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008 at 12: 29 pm
mokiejovis: Crap! I don’t think we have Univision. Is that a cable channel?
Catherinette: I got all misty-eyed over the Bret and Destiney’s Dad montage. Montages get me every time.
Sarah: So true. That’s why it’s better with guys thrown into the mix. Leave the rest of they dykes at the farmers market.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 10: 00 am
what do you call a redhead with a brazilian?
this is not a joke, i am honestly wondering.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 10: 23 am
J$: Foreign?
Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 3: 24 pm
Life really isn’t the same when you aren’t hearing the words “I’m here for Bret” at least 4,000 times on a Sunday afternoon.
Friday, April 25, 2008 at 4: 35 pm
Aw, don’t let yourself get too sad. I really don’t think Ambre and Bret are going to make it, and once he is done with this tour and he wants to cut another shitty, shitty album, he will be ready for ROL3.
Or even better, I would like to see Heather get her own show - Pole of Love, or Hair of Love, or Ass Whooping of Love.
Friday, April 25, 2008 at 4: 57 pm
Oh, and I meant to say that “Bad Girls Club” is pretty satisfying when you are in need of some seriously trashy tv that will make you feel good about yourself, but the season is almost over. The good news is that I think they rerun all the episodes. I wish I could tell you what channel it’s on, but my DVR handles all that for me, so I don’t have to actually do any thinking, or know anything. I just show up with popcorn.
Sunday, April 27, 2008 at 10: 20 pm
Rock of Love is like overindulging on Ben and Jerry’s in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep in your favorite jammies under the velvet Ravens blanket. It is sinful sensory overload and drama induced serotonin booster(hence the depression your are experiencing from the withdrawl). It is better than compulsively plucking your eyebrows or taking vodka shots with your coors light bottles at the neighborhood watering hole to see a bunch of “hot” chicks tearing their dignity apart on national television for a washed up rockandroller wanna be.