Awkward NC-17 Moments

Do you ever have sex dreams about your friends and/or coworkers? I’ve been having them lately and it’s really awkward. Since I rarely sleep, I rarely have dreams. When I do have dreams, they’re usually pretty generic. If they happen to be porno dreams, they usually involve nameless, faceless people. Lately I’ve been having porno dreams about some of my friends and this is quite disturbing. I am not naming which one of you girls and boys I’ve gotten to know in the Biblical sense in my dreams, but if I blush the next time you see me, it’s a safe bet that you were in at least one of my porntastic dreams and are forever stored in a grainy, X-rated VHS loop in my mind.

One time I had a sex dream about a cubicle neighbor and the dream was so hot that I couldn’t even look at her for weeks. Awkward. Fortunately, this particular cubicle neighbor was very funny and super sexy in real life. All of the boys and girls in our department had a bit of a crush on her. The porno dream I had most recently involved an old friend. (Old as in years we’ve been friends, not the friend’s age). When I told Lady Friend about the dream and the person who starred in it, she laughed out loud. This is much more effective than a cold shower.

I do have some general observations of my dreams that I’d like to share here: I’m really impressed with some of you. I had no idea that you had the potential to be so hot! And what a bonus that some of you possess the flexibility of Romanian gymnasts and also speak other languages. Seriously! I’ve woken up in a daze on several occasions wondering how I was ever going to face you again because you somehow manage to make me forget my own safeword.

The rest of you? I have to say I’m really disappointed. I thought you knew me better than that. You should know that romance is for people lacking bitterness and resentment. Please don’t ask me how I feel or where I see things going between us. And please don’t tell me your hopes and dreams when we are doing impure and unnatural things to each other in my porno dreams. This is a major distraction for me and I am not a strong multi-tasker. Besides, if you knew me as well as you say you do, you’d know your mouth ain’t for talkin’.

I feel it’s important to mention that I am as just as lacking in skills and abilities in my sex dreams as I am in real life. What I lack in these areas I do make up for with undivided attention and honest-to-goodness enthusiasm. A- for effort. D- for execution. I guess this makes me an all-around C student, even in my porno dreams. Oh well…no porn star left behind, I guess.