More helpful hints for the new drug dealers on my block:
1. Wear something a little less conspicuous. Neon colored baseball hats and yellow hoodies (with HOLLISTER printed on the front) don’t help you blend in with the other corner boys. Same thing goes for your “platinum” grills.
2. If you actually do decide to wear something inconspicuous, like a black knit hat, a black jacket, black pants, and black shoes, how about not wearing the same thing every day? Wearing the same thing every day doesn’t help you blend either.
3. You’re walking around with wads of cash. How about getting your braids tightened up? That way people might believe you when you tell them you’re an entrepreneur.
4. When pulling up to the curb in front of my house waiting for your re-up, how about turning your shitty music down about a thousand decibels? At the very least, play something good. Your uninspired taste in music is what makes me call 911.
5. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that no one lives on this block because no one is outside. It’s February, genius. Normal people are inside. So when you start trying to break into every abandoned row house on my block in search of new places to stash your drugs, I will call 911 all day long. Hope you liked the eight cops interrupting your Sunday spelunking.
6. Some streets around here are one-way streets. You think this is a good thing because you can keep your eyes on all of the traffic. I know this comes as a shock to you, as evidenced by your reaction when the police drove the wrong way down the one-way street and surprised you, but cars can drive both ways on a one-way street. There is no law of physics keeping the police from sneaking up behind you. How did those silver bracelets fit, by the way?
7. When dealing drugs out in the open, how about not counting your cash in the middle of the street? This is about as third-string junior varsity as it gets. And dealing drugs with little kids playing not even fifty feet away from just makes you a pussy.
8. If you claim to be a Blood, why not commit to wearing the red all out and proud and not hiding it under your hats and coats or in your back pockets like little bitches. Because I’d like to see you become the best lil gangsta you can be, here’s a helpful guide to back pocket handkerchief code. Scroll down to RED and choose your back pocket wisely. This handy hanky guide may prove helpful for your inevitable prison stay.
9. Since you don’t live on this block and I do, please refrain from eye-fucking me every time I get home from work like I’ve just somehow disrespected you. Getting up and going to work every day all day every week all year is hard. Your “gangsta stare” is not. It actually makes me a little embarrassed for you.
That is all for now.
Thursday, February 28, 2008 at 10: 14 am |
I used to have this crack dealer on my block named Chester. Chester was guilty of every single offense listed above, especially the music thing. Finally, I got fed up and pulled Chester aside. I made some helpful hints regarding basic drug dealing courtesy. At first, Chester was angry because I was humiliating him in front of his homies. Then he decided that I had made some good points, and I was able to finally start getting some restful sleep because I no longer had to listen to Chester’s rap selections. Chester actually started waving at me, but I wouldn’t say we were friends. A few weeks later Chester took something somebody said the wrong way and shot them. Nobody had a problem with the attempted murder but the neighborhood had a huge problem with all the holes Chester put in the parked cars while trying to do so. Chester jumped a state line and hasn’t been seen since.
Good luck with your new friends.
Thursday, February 28, 2008 at 4: 10 pm |
I’m a right fuchsia.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008 at 2: 31 pm |
Your block sounds awesome. I am totally buying one of those abandoned row houses and moving in.
Is it can be crack deal tiem now pls?
Tuesday, March 4, 2008 at 4: 34 pm |
Great Hints. Your block sounds a lot like mine.
I would also suggest to these guys to refrain from arranging their drug deals on their Nextel phones. Seriously, you can hear that crap 3 blocks away. That tell-tale “beep beep” just screams “call the cops I’m an f–cking loser drug dealer.”
Tuesday, March 4, 2008 at 9: 58 pm |
[...] And from the Baltimore Crime Blog, I got linked to a Anger Hangover’s More helpful hints for the new drug dealers on my block. [...]
Wednesday, March 5, 2008 at 10: 15 pm |
Excellent observations!!!! sounds exactly like Jefferson and Kenwood over here in PLACID east baltimore…..
Thursday, March 6, 2008 at 2: 39 pm |
Ok, sadly enough, I am still living in Baltimore part-time until my husband finishes school in May. So, I would love to request a blog-post titled “how to survive in Baltimore” for all the people who did not grow up in a city full of crime. The best advice I’ve heard so far is “don’t smile or look happy, or people will think they should mug you because you’ve got no other problems.”