The trial has been postponed (again). Last time it was because there were no courtrooms available and this time because there were no judges available. Looks like a new date has been assigned for mid-March. The prosecutor told me that I can expect to be re-summoned. I’m sure I’ll be recycling my 01/24/08 post around that time.
I LLLLOVE Mary J. Blige. Her song “Just Fine” has been stuck in my head for about two months and it gets heavy rotation on my iPod when I’m at the gym. It’s so good and inspiring that I can’t help but look in the mirror and give myself the wink-and-point love guns when I’m on the elliptical machine, which is actually kind of dangerous:
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So I like what I see when I’m looking at me
When I’m walking past the mirror
No stress through the night, at a time in my life
Ain’t worried about if you feel it
Got my head on straight, I got my mind right
I aint gonna let you kill it
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh
You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just fine
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Damn! This song makes me feel so good that I’m giving you wink-and-point love guns too.
I got a new summons to appear next week as a witness for that attempted 1st degree murder trial. Fantastic! The case was postponed back in November because they couldn’t find an open courtroom. Let’s revisit the charges against the shooter, who lives just twelve doors down from mine when he’s not locked up:
Charge No: 1 ATT 1ST DEG. MURDER
Charge No: 2 ATT 2ND DEG MURDER
Charge No: 3 ASSAULT-FIRST DEGREE
Charge No: 4 ASSAULT-SEC DEGREE
Charge No: 5 HANDGUN: USE IN COMMITTING CRIME
Charge No: 6 HANDGUN ON PERSON: CARRY/WEAR
Charge No: 7 RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT
Charge No: 8 HANDGUN ON PERSON: CARRY/WEAR
Charge No: 9 POSS OF FIREARM/AMMO/MINOR
Charge No: 10 SHOOT DISCHARGE UNK CALB HG
I’m hoping the prosecutor will remove me entirely from this case. I still have nothing to add, other than the fact I called 911 anonymously during the night of the shooting. I’ve heard from someone directly involved with the case that the shooting victim has completely changed her story from her original statement. I guess this does not bode well for the prosecution, since she is the star witness after all. The new story is that she didn’t see a thing that night and she has no idea who shot her. There’s a lot more to this story, but I can’t get into the details at the moment. Maybe next week, depending on how things go. Let’s just say that there are no surprises though. It’s a pretty common story, actually.
So there’s a chance this guy will be released next week, which doesn’t exactly ease my mind. But then there’s also a chance he could remain locked up on the handgun charges. I’m not a lawyer, so I have no idea. I’m just relaying information here. Either way, I don’t want to show my face in court if I don’t have to. The gang this kid runs with have been involved in a really vicious beating and two shootings on my block…on my block as in right in front of my house. I’ll probably get another summons for the anonymous 911 call I made on the night of this shooting too.
Maybe next time I’ll embrace my Baltimore heritage and just change my story.
I may be taking a leave of absence from blogging because I need to take care of some international business. I received an urgent e-mail today from a man who is in desperate need of my assistance. I am the only person who can help.
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Last night Lady Friend and I went over to Nurse J’s house to watch the last half of the Green Bay/ New Jersey Giants game, followed by The Wire and then The L Word. Nurse J has the exact same Samsung LCD TV as we do, but there is one small difference between her TV and ours - she has an HDTV receiver and we do not.
I can’t believe I had not seen football in high-def until last night. A new world opened up right before my eyes! LF and I were mesmerized by the details and the sharpness of it all. In slow-motion replays, you could see the players’ junk bobbling around in their pants and, in some instances, you could tell whether or not they were circumcised. My suspicion that Eli Manning has a vagina was confirmed because I was able to see his tampon string every time he bent over waiting for the snap. We agreed that he must have been wearing Playtex Sport tampons since we didn’t see any spotting and I’m pretty sure HDTV would have revealed that detail. After the game we watched The Wire, which mercifully is not broadcast in high-def. I live in Pigtown, so I don’t need to see Baltimore in any higher-def than I do every day. I’d prefer some of the details stay blurry, actually.
When we finished with The Wire, we moved on to Showtime HD and watched The L Word. Thanks to the wonders of HDTV, we got to experience dyke drama in clear, sharp focus. What a treat. It was like being stone-cold sober at a lesbian potluck dinner, minus the smell of tempeh and nag champa. I am pretty sure that the HD in HDTV stands for “humorless dykes” or possibly “hypocritical democrats” or both. I’ve always known that the show is heavy-handed in its politically correct condescension, but I had no idea to what degree until seeing it in high-def. Wow. I’m so glad I am not as smart as those L Word lesbians because I’d probably feel even more stupider than I already is. I can’t follow modern art and liberal causes real good. I’m a low-def kind of girl.
There is a man in Baltimore City with the same name as mine and he has a lot of angry women looking for him. Since 1998, I’ve been getting phone calls from really pissed off women looking for this guy, but getting me instead. Way back before I had caller ID and became a dedicated recluse, I actually used to answer the phone. Most of the time it was my loan shark Sallie Mae, the stalker bitch who can’t find a way to quit me. (We’ll be dating until 2025, according to my payment schedule.) The other calls were usually from the women looking for the male version of me. The conversations usually went something like this:
Me: “Hello?”
Angry Female: “Who dis?”
Me: “You called me. Who’s this?”
Angry Female: “Who tha fuck is this? Where A– at?”
Me: “This is A–. You called me. Who the fuck are you?”
Angry Female: “Aw hell no. Where tha fuck is A–. Put A– on tha fuckin’ phone.”
Me: “I am on the fucking phone. I think you have the wrong fucking number.”
Angry Female: *click*
During one year in particular, I got a number of collect calls from the Maryland Correctional Institution for Women in Jessup. Whenever I’d see the D.O.C. pop up on my caller ID, I just had to answer out of curiosity because I was occasionally interested in what some of my ex-girlfriends were up to.
Me: Hello?
Automated Verizon Lady: “Hello. You have a collect call from: WhereTheFuckIsA–At?PutHimOnThaPhone. To accept the charges, press 1. Otherwise, please hang up.”
Me: *click*
I’ve gotten a recent spike in calls from aggressive bill collectors and a couple of really irritated women - all of them looking for a guy in Baltimore City with my name. Last night I had two semi-frantic messages left minutes apart by the same woman looking for the male version of me (I think). She didn’t say what she was calling about, but she strongly suggested that I call her back before midnight. I had to scroll through the mental lists of women I’ve dated just to make sure the calls really weren’t for me. Nope. I definitely did not know anyone by that name, although her messages had the Glenn “I’m not going to be ignored” Close à la Fatal Attraction tone to them that was all too reminiscent of the ghosts of girlfriends past.
I stopped answering my home phone some years ago and I’m not even sure why I still have one. I guess I still look forward to what kinds of messages will be waiting for the guy version of me when I get home.
Steven Seagal = That Special Tingle
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My Viking Queen, Lars, got engaged in Paris over the weekend and is getting married in Norway on September 12th! I had the very good fortune of meeting his husband-to-be while I was in Norway last September. In all of my years as a professional homoseksuell, I’ve never been to a gay wedding. It’s also interesting that his wedding day will mark a year and a day since my return trip from Norway. Lady Friend and I are saving up our pennies starting now, but I don’t think we’ll be taking Icelandair to get there.
I know I won’t understand a word of their wedding nuptials, but I’m sure I’ll get a little misty-eyed just the same. My best EuroSexyGirl is all grown up now and will make a beautiful bride.
Who says gay marriage is for ugly people?
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l to r - Lars the Viking Queen and his Future Husband
