New Addition

My new baby arrived via FedEx yesterday afternoon after ordering her Monday. Isn’t she beautiful? I decided to finally retire my old Mac, which I bought 5+ years ago. She was a total workhorse and I never had one system crash or lost any data.* She got me all the way through graduate school and beyond and took everything I threw at her, which is more than I can say for many of the women I’ve dated.** She never slowed down or quit on me while simultaneously running all of my Adobe Creative Suite apps and I can’t even begin to express my appreciation for that. My old Mac has been so good to me, but it was time to upgrade. I’ve got mixed feelings about recycling her to the great OS heavens. I almost feel like I am putting my old dog to sleep and replacing her with a new puppy.
====

* I can hear the anti-Mac vitriol already (JJT). I am like a dirty bisexual in that I use a Mac and a PC equally for my job and appreciate them both. Really. My love for the Mac is all about function, so please save your hateful comments (JJT). You’ll always be the #1 Mac hater in this girl’s heart, JJT! No one could ever take your place.

**LF excluded, of course.

Alley Action

Just in the last week or so the little hoppers* have made a sudden reappearance doing business in and around the alley. I’m happy to report that Friday night around 6:45, the narco police busted a kid in the alley who was dealing drugs out of his socks. Less than 24 hours later, the narco police got another little hopper in almost the exact same location. Watching these events unfold is so much better than anything on TV.

* A young, street-level drug dealer. (Urban Dictionary)

Mailbox Stink Bomb

I just got a catalog in the mail from a certain department store and inside of it were perfume samplers. Let’s just say that I was not expecting to get punched in the face by the perfect storm of stink when I opened it. My eyes immediately started itching and snot came pouring out of my nose by the pint. It’s kind of like getting maced, but with a department store flare. I’ve documented some of my perfume allergy drama in the past and if anyone reading this wears any of the following colognes or perfumes, I promise not to pass judgment on you…at least not to your face. I’ll be too busy slipping on my own snot as I run for a box of Kleenex.
—-

Ralph Lauren’s ‘Romance’
JAYsus, Mary, and Joseph…if this is what romance smells like then I need to be single. Immediately.

Ralph Lauren’s ‘Black and Blue’
Two snot-inducing scents for the price of one. My olfactory senses have been beaten black and blue by these rancid colognes. Apparently mixing Black + Blue = Snot Green. I learn something new everyday.

Estee Lauder’s ‘Pleasures’
It was my pleasure throwing this sickening sampler in the trash. Can roses putrefy? I don’t know. But I now know they can definitely smell that way.

Donna Karan’s ‘Cashmere Mist’
Not bad, actually. I almost mist this one in the sampler stink pile because it was the least offensive. It’s a manageable odor at a safe distance.

Like Zagat’s, Except Different

Warning: I wouldn’t open the first link if you’re at work.

I spotted this link over on a fellow Pigtowner’s site. With all the other crap that gets posted on the internet, I don’t know why a Baltimore Streetwalker Report forum surprised me. I suppose it’s a comfort that my mind just doesn’t wander in some directions.

Not exactly a news flash for anyone living on or near Washington Blvd in Pigtown, but Pigtown is clearly the place for finding just the right prostitute to suit your needs. This Baltimore streetwalker report is so timely and informative. I really appreciate the abbreviations section too! It’s such a treat seeing the names streets and intersections so close to my house because I always wondered what it was like to be popular. It’s an even bigger treat recognizing the descriptions of some of the girls. Thanks to this forum, I no longer have to wonder about the quality or types of services they offer as they are screeching on the street in front of my house at 4 a.m.

I hope a description of my services makes it on this forum some day under a new thread that says something like:

Pistol-Whipped in Pigtown
Approached what I thought was a WSW (white streetwalker) taking out her trash. Pulled up and asked her for a date. She leaned in my window and then pistol-whipped me with a large caliber revolver. Result was many broken teeth. I don’t think she was LE (law enforcement), but I also didn’t ask. Avoid Pigtown unless you have a good dental plan.

Homoseksuell Norge

The unholy virus I’m fighting is not allowing me to gather any clear thoughts about my recent vacation. One thing I can say is that Norway is definitely okay with The Gays. Of course, it’s impossible to tell who’s gay over there because everyone just looks European. Anyway, I had a tough time narrowing down photographic evidence supporting my observations, but here’s a mini photo essay to give you an idea:

Foreign Funk

Between sleep deprivation and spending inordinate amounts of time in airports and in hot cans of recycled ass airplanes, I’ve acquired some kind of bug. My skin hurts and I’ve got the cold sweats. I am such a prize, let me tell you. I am “working from home” today for the sake of my coworkers. I’m sure they’ll thank me later.

Here I am looking refreshed and well-rested just a few days ago in Oslo. It seems like such a long time ago:

Barely Made It Back

Made it back to the States way late last night/early this a.m. I was supposed to get home from Norway on Sunday, but apparently Icelandair pilots decided to go on strike Saturday and no one knew about it. I was stranded in Reykjavik, Iceland just waiting and waiting and waiting at some Eastern Bloc type hotel, which wouldn’t have been so bad if I had been traveling with Lady Friend and if the weather had been more friendly. Ah but no. I was traveling alone and it was raining and 44 degrees the whole time. More on the vacation later. For right now, I need to bathe in a vat of hand sanitizer and get into the fetal position in my Sleep Number bed.

Made It!

I’m in Oslo! I got here at 12:30 Monday afternoon after leaving B’more at 9 o’clock Sunday night. I didn’t sleep at all on the way to Iceland or to Oslo, so my first afternoon here was a bit of a blur. I was not so groggy that I neglected to hit the duty-free booze at the Oslo airport though. I grabbed several flaskes rødvin for 309 kroners. A steal!!!

Yesterday, while Lars the Viking Queen was at work, I took a really long walk around his part of Oslo. Not once did anyone ask me for money, solicit me for prostitution, threaten me, or sexually harass me. Where am I? The only thing that makes me stand out a little is the fact that my hair is really dark compared to everyone else’s. Other than that, I am unique just like everyone else! No one even notices me.

Last night Lars took me into downtown Oslo for dinner. We could have gone into TGI Fridays or had 7-11 hot dogs (there are 7-11s on every corner here), but something would have felt really wrong about that. We had a nice dinner and a flaske rødvin at a place whose name I can’t remember. Lars texted a lesbian co-worker of his and asked her where the dykes go on a Tirsdag (Tuesday) in Oslo. So we went to some bar whose name I also can’t remember. We only stayed for one glass rødvin because apparently “tragic” is universal when it comes to visiting lesbian bars on a week night. We left as soon as we finished our drinks.

While Lars is at work today, I’ve been given the task of findind the local liquor store and getting more wine. He drew a map on a coffee filter using various 7-11s as markers.

Side note unrelated to anything else in this post: Icelandair flight attendants wear the hottest uniforms I’ve ever seen! It made their bitchiness totally bearable.