Kids Today

Kids today don’t even know how to deal drugs the right way. We’ve got a couple of new hoppers around here and they’re really sloppy and completely lacking in drug dealing skills. I’d like to take a moment and comment on some things:

Attire
For starters, wearing an NFL or NBA jersey makes you stand out in a crowd of all the other kids who are wearing long white over-sized t-shirts. Perhaps this is intentional, because all of your clients will know you are the guy with the stuff, but keep in mind this also makes you stand out to law enforcement when average citizens call the POHlice and give your description. “Yes ma’am. He’s wearing a green Filthadelphia Eagles jersey…#5…McNabb.” Dumb ass. The same thing goes for hats - don’t wear one if you don’t want to stand out. Umm hi…Drug Dealing 101 anyone?


Discretion
Also, just because YOU don’t live on the block where you are working doesn’t mean other people don’t live there. If you think no one is watching you because you don’t see anyone, you need to go back to Drug Dealer Pre-K. Keep pulling that one brick out of the back of the Baptist church and hiding your stash. Do you not see all the occupied homes that are behind that church? Sure, you may think you are hiding in plain view by stashing your ha’ron capsules on church property because who would ever think of doing such a thing, right? Yeah…we know, we know…you’re an urban entrepreneur, which makes you so much more brilliant than the rest of us, but it’s a church and neighbors keep an eye on that building since it’s their place of worship. Case in point: When I called the BCP drug tip line last Monday to tell them about the newest stash location, they already knew about it.

If you’d like to make third-string junior varsity drug dealing team, how about suggesting to your clients that they NOT honk their horns for drive-up service? Every time some white kid from the ‘burbs honks for ha’ron, I jot down their tag number, along with your description and number of the house you just ran out of. Idiot. I’d also like to make mention that you still have the battering ram divot in your front door from the last time the BCP “knocked” on your door. Way to leave a nice bull’s-eye for the next time the POHlice come knocking. And your trail of potato chip bags, soda cans, and chicken box bones makes your hang-out locations so much easier to find. Hmm…I wonder which stoop is the one where the hoppers like to hang out. I don’t know…is it the one with chicken bones and crab chip bags swirling around it? I’m not sure.

Entertaining
A few words about hosting a party. For starters, it would be really great if you found a way to keep your front and back doors closed while entertaining. No one wants to hear your hip hop karaoke. No one. You are not Jay-Z and your house is never gonna make MTV Cribs, so please stop. Also, keep your guests in check. We live here, they don’t. Your guests may be invited to your classy party at your knock-off crib, but they are not invited to eye-fuck me like I’ve just disrespected them simply by getting out of my car and walking into my house. Step up to the plate, take a few more practice swings, and then let’s see what you’ve got, All-Star.

I’d also like to suggest not getting into a 15 person brawl with your guests in the middle of the street at 2 a.m. Perhaps screaming and swinging at people who’ve disrespected you is not the most respectful way to conduct yourself, considering there are lots of other people who live in this block who are trying to sleep. So someone “disrespected your bitch” and you had to repeat at least a hundred times at a thousand decibels: “Don’t you ever disrespect my bitch!! Don’t you ever talk to my bitch that way!!” Wow. Someone was apparently absent from school on the day they went over the vocabulary word “respect.”