Purple Monday…

…has FINALLY arrived!

One of the most soothing sounds ever.

Just Like Glenn Close, Except Different

Sigh…

Vacation is nearly over, which is sad enough, but finding out I acquired a stalker while I was gone is a total vacation buzz kill. Baltimore City sent me several messages basically telling me, “I’m not gonna be ignored, Anger Hangover!” I’m actually kind of surprised that I didn’t find any rats boiling on the stove when I walked in the door. Here’s how I know I’m being stalked:

1. I received a letter begging me (again) to please please please pretty please consider be an Election Judge in September/November because there’s a shortage of registered Republicans in my voting area. Maybe I’ll actually do it this time. It shouldn’t be too bad of a gig because the last time I voted (governor’s election), I was the only voter in the entire polling place. Says a lot, doesn’t it? Sad. Just my two cents here, but I think the problem goes a bit deeper than having enough “Red” election judges.

2. Sheila Dixon thinks my block is putting the “Pig” in “Pigtown” because she left a note in my mailbox stating: “Due to the levels of litter and trash in the streets, rear yards, and alleyways of your community, your block has been designated for a Deep Clean by the City of Baltimore.” Hmm…”Deep Clean”…by the City of Baltimore? What’s that all about? I wonder if it’s possible to get rid of that not-so-fresh Pigtown feeling with a little bit of vinegar and water? Problems here go way beyond minor feminine itching. I’m thinking this should really be a Monistat event.

D. I received a summons for jury duty in September. Perfect! Fortunately for me, I will be in Norway on the date they want me. I will happily send my postponement request to the court with one of my favorite generic text messages: “Sorry. I can’t help you with that.”

Sigh…

I sincerely hope I don’t find Sheila Dixon standing behind me in my bathroom while I’m getting ready for bed tonight.

The Meeting Has Been Canceled.

We’re officially on vacation after we clock out today. It’s been 13 months and 6 days since the last time LF and I had a week off. You could say that we’re both overdue at this point. We’re staying relatively local this year and heading to Rehomo Beach with some friends, who are also way overdue for a vacation. I have every intention of swelling up like a tick from too much booze and salty snack foods.

Here’s the dance I’ll be doing at 5:31 tonight:

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By the way, have you set your DVR for this spectacular viewing event? I have and I’m not even ashamed.

Alley Bunny Offensive (UPDATE)

Sweet mother of all that is holy…WOW.

So I set out all of the poison I purchased and put it in Mr. Franklin’s back yard two nights ago. The directions said to space the bait out 15-30 feet. Yeah right…perhaps if I lived in the ‘burbs. These city rats are voracious and nasty beasts, so I spaced the poison packets and poison cakes about every five feet. I even threw several bait cakes directly into the rat hole and was a bit disturbed when I heard how long it took before the bait cakes stopped rolling inside. Before I had a chance to set the rat traps later that night, the rats had already confiscated all of the bait cakes and pulled many of the bait packets into their hole of filth. The bait packets that remained outside of the hole where gnawed open with poison pellets spilling out. I really didn’t expect it to happen as fast as it did. Lady Friend was certain the rats would mock me but collecting all of the bait and placing it in a neat little pile at the bottom of my stairs for me to find the next morning.

The Alley Bunny Offensive

Last summer, when I had my entire yard concreted, my rat problems pretty much went away. I used to sit on my back steps admiring the beautiful concrete and imagining that it probably looked like a Baltimore version of Pompeii under the new concrete slab, with rat mothers in housecoats and slippers protectively holding their droopy-diapered rat babies, while not breaking the long ashes on their cigarettes. It was a good fantasy while it lasted. Now the rats are taking over.

The Alley Bunny Offensive

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More later.

Fun With Preset Messages

One of my favorite things to do is to irritate my friends by sending them preset text messages. For the longest time, I didn’t even realize that my cell phone came with preset text messages. Sending these random messages to people is like the modern version of making prank phone calls. It seems that people get the most irritated and/or confused when I send them late at night. Here are the generic preset text messages that came with my phone:

1. I’m sorry. I can’t help you with that.
2. I’ll be there in minutes.
3. Let’s get lunch.
4. Meet me outside.
5. What time does it start?
6. You are welcome.
7. Can’t talk right now.
8. The meeting has been canceled.
9. Love you!
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When I realized I had the ability to create my own preset messages, I was transported to another level of immaturity, not unlike getting sent back two grades. Since I am emotionally eleven years-old, I came up with some very inspired messages:

1. It is sore.
2. Is it infected?
3. Meet me up ur ass.
4. I am taking a dump.

The real fun and excitement for me is combining these preset text messages and sending them randomly. Just imagine the hours of fun you can have texting this stuff…especially after a few cocktails:

–Can’t talk right now. I am taking a dump. Love you!
–Meet me outside. Is it infected?
–It is sore. You are welcome.
–I am taking a dump. It is sore. Let’s get lunch.
–Meet me up ur ass. I’ll be there in minutes.
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Of course, the confused/angry responses I get from my friends are the best! Go ahead. Try it. See how pissed off and confused your friends and loved ones get when you text them at 2 a.m. on a Saturday with: “It is sore. You are welcome.”*

*I realize this is probably funny to no one but me, but hey…

What is it?

Has anyone else noticed the strange, rubbery movements that many of the prostitutes along Washington Blvd are making? It reminds me of those creepy dancing balloons often seen outside of car dealerships:

Is there a special batch of ha’ron going around right now? Or are they all just hearing Grateful Dead songs in their heads?

Kids Today

Kids today don’t even know how to deal drugs the right way. We’ve got a couple of new hoppers around here and they’re really sloppy and completely lacking in drug dealing skills. I’d like to take a moment and comment on some things:

Attire
For starters, wearing an NFL or NBA jersey makes you stand out in a crowd of all the other kids who are wearing long white over-sized t-shirts. Perhaps this is intentional, because all of your clients will know you are the guy with the stuff, but keep in mind this also makes you stand out to law enforcement when average citizens call the POHlice and give your description. “Yes ma’am. He’s wearing a green Filthadelphia Eagles jersey…#5…McNabb.” Dumb ass. The same thing goes for hats - don’t wear one if you don’t want to stand out. Umm hi…Drug Dealing 101 anyone?

Another One Worth Seeing?

From Variety.com:

Runaways head to the bigscreen
The ’70s teenage band the Runaways has a new gig. Producers Art and John Linson will be bringing their rough and tumble coming-of-age story to the bigscreen in “Neon Angels.”
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I have a feeling this movie won’t be on the Cate Blanchett level of goodness, but a girl can dream, right? I sure hope this movie doesn’t go straight to DVD. Even if it does, I’ll still be all over it because I’ve never quite been able to let go of my girlhood crush on Joan Jett. I definitely would have couples-skated with her had she asked me. Besides, I think I am the only person I know who actually has a copy of Cheri Currie’s book “Neon Angels.”

Joan Jett and Lita Ford as teenage rock stars: