New Addition to the Family

I’m beside myself with joy!! And I know there are a couple of you out there who will share in my happiness.

She’s 7.7 inches long and weighs 34 ounces.

She’s beautiful!!

A Christmas Carol Medley

Remember back in the day when SNL use to be funny? Here’s one of my all-time favorite duos: The Sweeney Sisters

Jan Hooks + Nora Dunn = Brilliant!

“Take it down, Liz.”

More Netflix Reviews

lindapendant

suggested that I do another round of my movie reviews over the Christmas weekend. I thought this was a very good idea, since I become a complete shut in this time of year. I spend inordinate amounts of time totally alone and unsupervised with my DISH network DVR and my Netflix queue. Sometimes Lady Friend will come over and find me watching Alexander for the tenth time in a row and she will gently lure me out of the house with promises of Guinness and sidecars of Jameson’s. But Lady Friend is a thousand miles away right now and won’t be back in town until this weekend. There’s been no one to interrupt my viewing selections since last Thursday. Honestly, I can’t remember all of the movies I’ve watched and I’m sure that’s probably some kind of built in coping mechanism. Fortunately for my three readers out there, I’ve reviewed the movies I can remember.
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Failure to Launch
I had much success in launching this piece of shit onto Washington Blvd and then reporting it “lost” to Netflix.

The Wonderful/Horrible Life of Leni Riefenstahl
Nazi Paparazzi.

Youngblood
Mullets on ice.

St. Elmo’s Fire
This movie makes me so happy that I don’t have any friends. What a fucking hassle!

The Longest Yard
Alternate Title - The Longest Yawn. Adam Sandler continues making a career out of being profoundly unfunny and laughing at his own jokes.

Miami Vice
*cricket*cricket*cricket*

Friends With Money
What you’ll get with this movie is Friends With Ambien. ZZZZzzzzz.

Out of Africa
And into boredom. Meryl Streep had a farm in Africa and I had feeling in my ass before sitting through three hours of this crap.

Something’s Gotta Give 
And that “something” would be my patience in trying to watch Jack Nicholson play the same part over and over. Someone check Jack’s diaper because I think something gave way in his Depends. This one is a stinker!

Disclosure
Here’ s my Disclosure - Michael Douglas has a nasty, flabby ass in every movie.

The Groomsmen
I sorta laughed, I kinda cried, this movie almost became a part of me.

Woman on Top
Oh God Yes Please Penelope Cruz as The Woman On Top (of me).

A Sound of Thunder
Sounds more like the end of Ed Burns’ acting career.

High Art
Only Patricia Clarkson could make heroin sexy. Unfortunately, Radha Mitchell’s performance put me in a nod.

The English Patient
Terrible.

By Hook or By Crook
This piece of shit is Rain Man for dykes. Just awful.

Click
 And *click* just like that this movie gets shut off and sent back to Netflix.

Sophie’s Choice
Anger Hangover’s choice was to use this DVD as a beer can coaster.

The Big Chill
The biggest chill I got was looking at the fourteen inch zipper on Glenn Close’s slacks. Thank Christ for low-rise  jeans.

Laurel Canyon
Alternate Title - MILF Canyon. Frances McDormand = Rreeeoowwwr!

Blow
Weed.Coke.Coke.Weed.Coke.Penelope Cruz.Coke.Coke.

Dreamer: Inspired By A True Store
Would someone please inspire Dakota Fanning to find an orthodontist?

Monster-In-Law
I feel dirty because I watched this movie…twice. Dammit, J. Lo! You had me at Selena.

Holiday Relaxation

Nothing quite like the soothing sounds of a police raid just a few doors down from my house at 1:45 in the morning. Oh and we’ve got paddy wagons full of people and tow trucks impounding vehicles too. I’m sure I’ll easily be able to fall back to sleep and be all enthusiastic-n-perky for my return to the office in six hours. Don’t get me wrong though…I could not have asked for a better Christmas gift than to see those suddenly wide-eyed suburban white kids, who keep me up at night with their constant horn-honking for drugs, now on their way to the Eager Street Day Spa & Resort Central Booking and their luxury vehicles on their way to the Waterview Ave impound lot in Westport/Cherry Hill. Have fun with that one, kids. Remember - The impound lot is cash only!

Friday Musings

Herbie Hancock
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One of the many mysteries I often ponder, usually while I’m sitting in an important meeting, is why Hohner stopped manufacturing the Clavinet D6. I’ve got a deep love for early 1970’s funk music and the clavinet is the definitive keyboard funk sound.

Something few people know is that I obsessed with Herbie Hancock’s Head Hunters and Thrust albums. Something about those seriously deep, nasty clavinet funk grooves in songs like “Chameleon,” “Palm Grease,” or “Spank-A-Lee” just make my world right again. If you’re reading this post and wondering what the hell I’m talking about here, think about the opening riff in Stevie Wonder’s song “Superstition” and you’ll know what I’m referring to. That’s no guitar. Oh no. That’s the clavinet. Yes indeed. I know you just wanna get the funk out.

R.I.P. Hohner Clavinet D6

YouTube K-Hole

Rather than do actual work this morning, I am surfing YouTube and willingly subjecting myself to a Trifecta of Sadness. I’ve written a few brief letters here, hoping to assuage some of these hurt and angry feelings I’m experiencing. I’m doing a triple dumpout in my cubicle right now.
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Dear Selena,
I will admit that I never understood a word you were singing, but it didn’t matter because your songs made me feel good. They still do. You had so much joy in your voice, in your movements, and in your smile. I hate that crazy bitch for shooting you in the back and letting you linger. I like to think if you were still here, J. Lo would not be part of our vocabulary.
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Dear Aaliyah,
You were so young, so stunningly beautiful, and could do it all. Who could blame R. Kelly? It’s not right that some cokehead ended your life with his incompetence. What a profound waste. Now we’ve got Beyonce as a consolation prize. It’s because of you that Missy Elliott and Timbaland’s careers exploded and I’m actually very thankful for that. You’re One in a Million, baby girl.
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Dear Left Eye,
You were TLC. We all know that. And we know you didn’t mean to burn Andre’s house down. Sometimes we get mad and sometimes things happen. I remember when TLC was touring with Bobby Brown and Mary J. Blige back in ‘92. The restaurant where I was waitressing hosted the concert after party. You, T-Boz, and Chilli were polite, sweet, and funny and I appreciated that more than you know because I was just a waitress and you could have been complete bitches if you wanted to be. Left Eye, you’ll always be Crazy, Sexy, Cool in my book.
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Feelin’ Shortchanged and Sad,

AngerHangover

Tell Me Something Good

Tell me that you like it, yeah.

Chaka Khan
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Father Whatawaste 2007

Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto.

God, I love being Roman Catholic. Oh Sweet Glory Be! Suddenly I’m remembering the Latin versions of the prayers all because of this. Dibs on Father October!

Perhaps one day I’ll post about considering (way back in the day) entering the novitiate period (a.k.a. Nun Tryouts).

Sister Mary Anger Margaret Hangover, S.S.N.D.

prostitot: M-W’s Word of the Day*

prostitot \präs-t&-”tät\ noun

: a young girl who dresses in a way that is inappropriately revealing for her age. Prostitute + tot = Prostitot.

Example sentence:
The boardwalk at Ocean City is littered with prostitots.

* Thanks to ACW for broadening my vocabulary.

Grocery Store Irritation

There’s only one thing I hate more than going to the mall and that’s going to the grocery store. Hunger and the need for toilet paper forced me to go into Shoppers on Fort Avenue yesterday afternoon. I still have a raging headache from clenching my teeth the whole time. Here are a few of the wonderful things that I experienced:
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An obnoxious sow practically screaming on her cell phone about how she went to a bar in Dundalk the night before with some friends just to drink Natty Boh observe the locals.

OhMyGod! It was soooo white trash. You should have seen this place. I mean, people really do talk like that and dress like that. They really do say “hon.” OhMyGod, I felt so sorry for those people. They didn’t even realize we were laughing at them.

Sweetheart, look in the mirror. Just because the box in your hand says Wheat Thins it doesn’t mean it’s a consequence-free snack. I’m being kind when I say that you are no prize. Baltimore and its indigenous blue-collar residents are not here for your low-rent Phi Sig Pig Sig Pig amusement. You stupid cosmo-spilling, secret-eating slag. What makes you so fantastic? A 401(k) and a dental plan? What kind of people do you think will fix your leaky roof, your clogged toilet, your broken brick steps, your burned out clutch. Who is going to tow your Poor Man’s BMW Jetta, install your cable, deliver your mail, repair your A/C, pick up your trash, bus your tables, scan your groceries, etc.? Your college fraternity and sorority buddies? Please. You need “those people” more than they need you. Just admit that you can’t afford to live in D.C. and that’s why you’re in Baltimore. It will make things much less awkward.

P.S. Natty Boh hasn’t been brewed in Baltimore for quite some time. Hope you enjoyed your authentic Wilkes-Barre experience while in Dundalk, hon.

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Push-to-Talk phones. I hate you. *BLEEEP* Huh? *BLEEEP* Wha? *BLEEEP* Huh? *BLEEEP* Wha? *BLEEEP* Huh? *BLEEEP* Wha? I am convinced people who have them feel compelled to let everyone know they have them by using them in very public places. Those fucking Push-to-Talk phones are like the chrome rims and spinners of cell phones. You’re trying too hard. It’s still just a 1994 Hyundai Excel underneath it all. And thanks for forcing everyone in the checkout line to listen to your profoundly uninteresting conversation. It’s especially great that the person you were Pushing-to-Talk to was in also in a checkout line just 5 aisles away. We got to hear every insipid thing she shouted in stereo. What a treat! Thanks again.

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If you are 400 lbs and nimble enough to scoot into the store’s OUT door because you are too lazy to walk three steps over to the IN door, say excuse me when you push by the much smaller people who are walking out of the same OUT door. Don’t punish the rest of us for your lifetime of watching TV and super-sizing. Oh and give up the handicap parking tag too. I think we all agree that you could stand to burn a calorie or two having to walk the extra thirty feet from a regular parking spot.

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I did have a moment in the grocery store that actually made me smile. I was wandering down the pet food aisle and I noticed that all of the feminine hygiene products are on the same aisle and directly across from all of the cat food and kitty litter. Someone out there has a brilliant sense of humor. Whoever you are, thank you for that! You are appreciated.