I’ve been binging on self-loathing lately. I always know when I’m doing this by sitting back and taking stock of the movies I’ve watched recently. Some of these movies are old and some are new, but the sick thing is that I watch them again and again whenever they come on. I have insomnia and DISH Network and these two things are in an extremely co-dependent relationship, with me caught in the middle. Late night satellite TV is a dangerous thing, especially when you have dual receivers and can record two movies while watching another. I am deeply ashamed and I need help. Below is a list of my movie reviews from my most recent bender. Some of you may have seen some of these in my Netflix reviews too, but my opinions have remained the same through multiple viewings:
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Alexander
Mullets. Eunuchs. Horses. Sandals.
Troy
Boats. Wigs. Swords. Yawn.
Dying Young
Proof that wherever Julia Roberts goes, a slow, agonizing death will follow.
Alfie
Alternate title: Ralphie because Jude Law and Sienna Miller make me sick.
Monster-in-Law
Is there a vaccine to protect the world from J. Lo movies? If not, someone should get on it.
Brokeback Mountain
Alternate title: Slingback Mountain starring Billy Bob Ledger. I couldn’t understand a word he said, but I did crave some of them french fried potaters.
Sylvia
This piece of shit movie sent me crawling back into The Bell Jar for safety. Gwyneth, please stop acting. Now.
Closer
I got as Close as I could get and I still didn’t see the plot.
Indecent Proposal
I’d offer any of these actors $1 million to never star in another movie. Robert Redford = Skeletor.
Interview With the Vampire
Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise sucked the life out of the plot.
Benny and Joon
Alternate title: Fried Green Retards.
License to Drive
Two Coreys are better than one, but is one Corey even a good thing?
Ronin
Alternate titles: Snorin’ or Dances With Ambien.
Clash of the Titans
Sometimes books really are better than the movie.
Less Than Zero
Less Than Zero = the amount of time it took for me to throw up in my own hands from watching this shit.
Pretty in Pink
Prettier with a bag over your head. Judas was a redhead. Molly Ringworm should die.
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Some of my other movie reviews can be found here.
And if my recent movie selections aren’t a true enough indicator of my self-loathing, how about the fact that I am in my cubicle listening to Frampton Comes Alive, in its entirety, while trying to extract information from .sam files written ten years ago. Anyone remember Lotus Word Pro?
Clearly, I’m unwell.
